Love

The Addiction of Falling in Love

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Author: Maria Seferou

Why do we use the expression “falling in love” to describe a state in which a person experiences the joy and elation of erotic feelings for a sexual partner. In other words, if erotic passion truly provides a higher state of happiness, why shouldn’t we use the expression, “ascending in love”, e.g., or “thriving in love”, or something similar?

Popular expressions are not generally formed by chance. Words are living “things” carrying energy, and they accurately describe situations and states of being. Let us list some of the meanings of the verb “fall”:

• To lose an upright position
• To lessen in amount or degree
• To decline in value
• To undergo conquest or capture
• To experience defeat

Are any of these states associated with “falling in love”? Most certainly they are! “Falling in love” has to do with capturing one’s heart and being captured by another; it has to do with conquest and captivation; it means “acquiring” someone, as if he/she were a property of sorts, and be acquired; it leads to decline of personality value, since those in love usually lose themselves in the process and cannot reason clearly or act wisely.

The chemistry of attraction that initially draws us in goes a long way to helping us get our emotional and physical wires crossed. And while a one-off fantastic sexual encounter may not have you swearing undying love, it will probably have you returning for more – and, before you know it, you think you’re in love. – Falling in Love. A Matter of Chemistry

Falling “head-over-heels” in love with someone means exactly what it says: it sends your head down to your heels. Yet this elusive condition with an expiration date is passionately desired and pursued by the overwhelming majority of people, and not just by the young in age, as if it were the prerequisite of wholeness and ultimate happiness! People are persistently searching for their “other half”, as if we were not complete as individuals.

What, then, is this erotic love feeling that is so highly valued by people? Why, nowadays, the urge for erotic passion fuels a billion-dollar industry of on-line dating sites? Millions of people of every age, race and status are desperately and endlessly searching for a partner – a person with the right “chemistry” to fall in love with. Why? Is it in order to enable them to capture the magic moment of sexual orgasm, or is it more than that? Is, peradventure, sexual orgasm a vital need for human existence, something like food or water, or is it just a “dessert”, a delicacy we could survive without?

I was shocked when I once read the cynical view of the Roman Emperor and great Stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius regarding sex. Here are his own words: “and as for sexual intercourse, it is the rubbing of a piece of intestine, then a convulsion, and the spurting of some mucus.” Of course this is oversimplification, as sexual intercourse involves more than a mechanical movement. As scientists claim, it involves not just the heart but also the human brain itself.

Differentiating between coarse sexual intercourse, simply for the sake of one’s sensual gratification and release from tension (such as it is done with a prostitute), and sex that presupposes “falling in love” with one’s partner is necessary in order to better answer the love conundrum. Of course everyone understands that sexual pleasure is nature’s enticement to facilitate reproduction, i.e. that sexual desire takes care of species preservation. Yet, erotic passion is an addictive magical state into which a person “falls” even when the last thing in one’s mind is reproduction. It involves the whole being, and it is a personality power game.

“Falling in love” may deteriorate into a humiliating and all-consuming relationship that depletes one of the partners and often ends up in a heart-breaking separation. Although realism with a measure of compromise is a must for the duration of a relationship, losing oneself for the sake of maintaining that relationship is not healthy at all. On the other hand, and because selfishness is inherent in human nature and people are more interested in being loved than loving, more keen of receiving than giving, there might be an overtly or covertly calculated “relationship”. In this case two persons get together mainly for reasons other than physical attraction (money, social status, security), and they both consciously endeavor to control the other person and take advantages of the relationship. Such games cause tension and prevents genuine love from developing between partners. It certainly creates an unhealthy family environment, inappropriate for rearing emotionally healthy children.

“Love at first sight is an emotional condition whereby a person feels romantic attraction for a stranger on the first encounter with the stranger. The term may be used to refer to a mere sexual attraction or crush, but it usually refers to actually falling in love with someone literally the very first time one sees him or her, along with the deep desire to have an intimate relationship with that person. The stranger may or may not be aware that the other person has any such notion, and may not even be aware of the other person’s presence (such as in a crowded place). Sometimes two people experience this phenomenon towards each other at the same time, usually when their eyes meet.” Wikipedia.com

In any case, whatever the actual origin and nature of erotic love may be, we all know that even in the best cases the magic of the elusive sexual “chemistry” doesn’t last forever. There inevitably comes a time when habit and daily routine kill the originally blinding erotic passion. It is then that the partners become very sensitive to each other’s words, moods, actions and reactions, easily finding faults on one another – faults they were previously unaware of – and start nagging about their partner’s imperfections and shortcomings, thus poisoning a once “happy” relationship. When the magic evaporates then logic starts functioning properly again and one sees the naked reality for what it is, i.e. imperfect.

What is happening then? It depends on many things. The two partners may continue living together for the sake of their children, or out of habit, or because they are afraid of drastic changes, or simply to protect their financial interests and social status. If their principles and values are loose, they will be seeking extramarital sexual gratification by entering into ephemeral or lasting erotic affairs. Then they start lying to each other, while living in constant tension trying to hide their sexual affair from their marriage or long-time partner. Needless to say that this undermines the unfaithful partner’s physical and emotional health, not to mention the hindering of one’s spiritual growth. For the “betrayed” partner the situation is not easy either.

There is no doubt that “falling in love” is addictive, and so those who rely for their happiness on sexual indulgence are constantly on the run after yet another exciting lover. For people addicted to erotic passion it is a lifetime exhausting game that sucks one’s vitality, obstructs creativity and blocks one’s spiritual progress, in spite of claims to the contrary by the advocates of “tantric sex”.

How is this addiction caused? Scientists have found out! To start with, overindulgence in a particular behavior of any sort becomes a real addiction, just as one gets physically addicted to the use of a chemical substance. However, in the case of erotic passion and sexual intercourse we also have the presence of real chemical substances produced by the brain. As Tony Coleman writes in his article entitled “True Love and Chemistry: Exploring Myth and Reality”, “The chemical that results from this attraction (and intensifies it) is phenyl ethylamine – or PEA. It is a naturally occurring substance in the brain.

Essentially, PEA is a natural amphetamine. It stimulates us and increases both physical and emotional energy. The attraction causes us to produce more PEA, which results in those dizzying feelings associated with romantic love. Another substance that is released by PEA is dopamine. This chemical increases a desire to be physically close and intimately connected.”

The knowledge of the above certainly demystifies the “falling in love” sweet and bitter experience. Here is another excerpt from an article of John Pickrell, Lucy Middleton and Alun Anderson, entitled “Instant Expert: Love”, and published by Newscientist.com: “In the brain, romantic love shows similarities to going mildly insane or suffering from obsessive compulsive disorder. Studies show that when you first fall in love, serotonic levels plummet and the brain’s reward centers are flooded with dopamine. This gives a high similar to an addictive drug, creating powerful links in our minds between pleasure and the object of our affection, and meaning we crave the hit of our beloved again and again.”

Likewise, the withdrawal symptoms experienced at the end of a relationship by someone who was physically, emotionally and mentally dependent on another person are similar to those of drug addicts when they are deprived of their regular drug dose: irritability, anxiety, loss of appetite, depression, fatigue, heart palpitations, insomnia, etc. Scientific studies have shown that the parieto-insular cortex, which is vital for pain processing in the brain, becomes very active even when people view photos of ex-partners whom they still love. So, whether love-elated or love-sick, it’s all in the brain!

Dr. Sam Vaknin, in an article appearing in his book entitled “Malignant Self Love – Narcissism Revisited” writes: “The unpalatable truth is that falling in love is, in some ways, indistinguishable from a severe pathology. Behavior changes are reminiscent of psychosis and, biochemically speaking, passionate love closely imitates substance abuse.”

Anyone of us who has ever passionately fallen in love would agree to the above findings, at least to some extent. And everyone would admit that when in love, beside the elation, one has experienced a measure of pain and suffering. This is also confirmed by the lyrics of many love songs that are but desperate lamentations over the separation from one’s erotic partner. Apparently, when the arrows of the capricious god Eros pierce the soul, apart from joy they also bring pain, even without the breaking up of a relationship. Since high and unrealistic expectations from one’s partner, jealousy, doubt, fear of losing someone, giving more than receiving, etc., are part and parcel of the love-game, they all create a fertile ground for resentment, sulking and unhappiness. More often than not, despondency fills the heart of the abused or rejected partner and in extreme cases this may lead to suicide or murder.

“Attraction is the truly love-struck phase. When people fall in love they can think of nothing else. They might even lose their appetite and need less sleep, preferring to spend hours at a time daydreaming about their new lover. In the attraction stage, a group of neuro-transmitters called ‘monoamines’ play an important role:

• Dopamine – Also activated by cocaine and nicotine
• Norepinephrine – Otherwise known as adrenalin. Starts us sweating and gets the heart racing
• Serotonin – One of love’s most important chemicals and one that may actually send us temporarily insane” BBC.co.uk

Inevitably, then, erotic passion is somewhat pathological! Is there any cure? Is there a way of experiencing only the joy and elation of “falling in love” without the pain it entails? I don’t think so! You see, perfect love without pain presupposes perfect humans – something does not exist…On the other hand, avoiding “falling in love” in order to spare oneself from the pain it entails is also pathological and utterly selfish.

Strange enough, though, in modern society, where principles and values tend to become anachronistic bywords, while free sexual activity, even between people of the same sex or those who commit adultery, is acceptable, there are more lonely and sexually frustrated people than in any other time of history. Why? The reasons are many, but in my opinion they all stem from ignorance of the tripartite nature of man that has led to the identification with one’s body and the exaltation of carnal instincts and sensual pleasures. However, since man is primarily a spiritual being dwelling in a material body, simply the gratification of one’s carnal needs and sensual appetites does not satisfy the soul and spirit of man.

No! Sensual pleasures do not provide the ultimate happiness in life, which man is longing for. We definitely need something more in order to experience lasting happiness. We must realize that bliss and fulfillment don’t come from without, be it the ideal partner or something else. They derive from within, namely from the union of our soul to eternal Spirit. The ideal “marriage” we all unconsciously long for is the soul-spirit mystical union, i.e. the perfect match between our desires and the spiritual Law inherent in our being. To the extent this is realized in both partners there is hope for a relatively harmonious and uplifting life-long relationship. Otherwise, striving for perfect love is like chasing a chimera.

About the author:
Maria Seferou was born in an agricultural family of Dendron, a small village of Peloponnese, Greece. She studied Civil/Structural Engineering at National Technical University of Athens and had a successful 20-year professional career both in Greece and in England. For the last 22 years she has been a writer of non-fiction books and articles on religious, philosophical, political and social issues.

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