Intimacy

Tantra for Shameless Intimacy

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“Courting the disapproval of society, Tantra bashes down boundaries, barriers and taboos, prescribing “forbidden acts”, opening windows to spiritual independence, creating opportunities for grasping the moment, shoving you along the “short path” to ultimate peace, the indescribable experience of subtle clear light.” Healing-tao.co.uk

What is Tantra and how can it help you overcome feelings of shame so you can achieve true intimacy and mind-blowing sex? I began my study and practice of Tantra thinking it would enhance sex making it hotter and at the same time I was worried that I would not be able to handle it when the sex did become hotter! Eight years later is sex hotter? Yes. Is that all? No.

Tantra translated means expansion through awareness, transformation through pleasure. What that literally means is that your whole being is expanded, increased through awareness of your senses, feelings and energy. This includes awareness of your blockages, places in yourself that stop you from authentically enjoying pleasure. One of these blockages is shame, guilt and regrets.

Shame is defined as a painful mental feeling aroused by a sense of having done something wrong, dishonorable or improper. Tantra, as practiced, encompasses having it all – meaning being able to embrace and have everything available in the world, expanding the boundaries in our personal container big enough to have it all and being able to experience pleasure – really feel it. Therefore, “having it all” according to the tantric definition, naturally includes intimacy without shame.

In Tantric practice, we learn to embrace everything about ourselves, the parts of us we like (which is easy) and the parts we do not like (which is not so easy, often they are hidden even to ourselves). One of the parts we don’t like could include shame about enjoying sex. It’s sometimes experienced as a double-edged sword.

“Yes, it’s a ritual. We could walk around the room and just voice all the negative energies that we ourselves would like to release. Like I want to release shame, I want to release anger, I choose to release jealousies and uptightness. Then, they would walk again in the opposite direction and bring in all the positive energies that we want to create through the ambience of the room like love, sensuality, spontaneity, things like that.” Julie Tindall Podcast: Getting Past Shame to Fantastic Sex

joy sex, we feel ashamed based on our upbringing, religious training, ethnic origin, family values. Conversely, if we don’t like sex, too, we feel ashamed based on the media, the hype, advertising, Viagra, the current standards dished up to us by the fashion industry, music videos and HBO. Reconciling conflicting values within ourselves may seem like a monumental challenge. The solution: learn the practice of Tantra.

In Tantra we use the breath. While consciously breathing, we practice something called witnessing. In this practice, we watch what goes on in our mind with no judgment. We watch our thoughts, assessments, evaluation and attachments (especially to being right!). We notice if painful mental feelings arise, feelings related to having done something wrong or dishonorable or improper. We embrace them all and let them go as we exhale.

Once we can embrace them (which takes constant practice) rather than resist, deny or suppress them, an amazing thing happens. They no longer have their hold on us. They no longer occur as blockage. It’s as if a miracle occurs. We begin to feel free!
And when we feel free, guess what opens up? Our ability to express our passion and our pleasure. We can actually sex as a feeling in our body. We can hear and embrace voices in the head and yet we’re free to listen to the wisdom of our molecules enjoying what we feel. This usually leads to experiencing greater intimacy within ourselves and with our partner.

Now, as I stated earlier, I began my study of Tantra thinking it would lead to enhancement of sex. At the same time I feared that if sex became hotter, I might not be able to handle it. Actually, I found I was afraid of the shame of liking it in accordance with early childhood lessons – “Good girls don’t,” and “Why should a man buy the cow when he can get the milk for free?” Men have told me that they have similar feelings of shame based on not knowing what they are doing (performance) or not understanding why anyone would want to be with them (self-worth).

But in witnessing the thoughts and old programming (also the rebellion – doing it anyway), I noticed a deeper level of fear. I honestly did not discover this subtler level until I practiced Tantra for a while and had embraced my shame of liking sex and had experienced greater physical pleasure.

A kind of openness occurred when I admitted to myself that I was allowed to like sex and that I knew I had shame, but could embrace it. The only way I can describe the feeling is one of vulnerability and letting go. I felt I arrived at a totally new level. I suppose it could be called shameless intimacy.

“Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten.”

After completing the witness practice as it applied to embracing my feelings of shame for liking sex, I then needed to witness my feelings of openness and vulnerability and all the judgments I had about that. I had to embrace my shame of allowing myself to be that vulnerable. In other words I had to consciously breathe and keep granting permission for it all.

My boundaries expanded and I am now able to really feel pleasure in sex and shameless intimacy if I choose. It is exhilarating, energizing, expansive and transformational – very powerful. I feel it is my birthright to feel this way.

“Toxic shame wrecks sex. That really sucks, because we live in a culture where sexual shame is rampant. Most of us grow up with lots of mixed messages about sex; theologian James Nelson describes it as “Sex is filthy and disgusting…. and you should save it for the one you love.” Churches, of course, breed sexual shame like kennels breed puppies. (Or, as a satirical web site says, “Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten.”) Sexual shame also comes from other places: families too freaked out about sex to talk about it candidly, schools that teach only abstinence and call it “sex education,” speeches from Republican politicians. The common denominator is that sex comes across as a nasty little secret.” Bodymindsoul.org

The following was submitted to me by one of my students: “I now allow the magnificent love intelligence to have its way, nothing to ask, nothing to question, nothing to want, nothing to hope for everything happens by itself. There is no losing, there is only opening to receive more, just as the Lotus opens to receive more light.” - Bill Plikaitis, Minneapolis, MN

You can feel this way too! Try these steps to get started:

1. Sit quietly on a pillow or a chair with your back straight.
2. Breathe in slowly through the nose and out through the mouth as you slowly exhale making a sound like a sigh.
3. Notice your thoughts, judgments, evaluations, assessments (mind chatter) gather it up as you inhale. Then let it all go as you exhale deeply through the mouth making sound.



4. Repeat this practice for at least 5 minutes. Keep bringing yourself back to the present by letting it all go as you exhale deeply through the mouth making a sound.
5. Notice how you feel – look in the body as distinct from the mind.

Buy the Book: Sexual Shame
© Butterfly Workshops, Inc.

By: Laurie Handlers
About the author: Laurie Handlers, MA is the President of Butterfly Workshops, Inc., a Washington, DC based company currently offering 3 levels of Tantra, Tantra instructor training, and Leadership courses for corporations and individuals.You can find out more at <a
href=”http://www.butterflyworkshops.com“>www.butterflyworkshops.com

Image Source: http://flickr.com/photos/tonivc/535693900/

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